Gather ‘round, children. Let me tell you of days of yore. Days when, in the aftermath of a busy weekend of combat sportsin’, the shining beacon on the MMA media hill known as Cage Potato would assess the action via a mysterious and completely bullshit numerical index. It used to piss people off something fierce. ‘What do these numbers even mean?’ they’d ask. ‘What is being measured?!’ they’d fume.
And oh, how we’d laugh. And say, ‘Shut up, nerd.’ And then do it again next week.
Now that shining beacon is no more, but its spirit lives on. That’s why we’re reviving it here. Not even gonna change the name, honestly. Don’t even care that there is no potato in this site’s name. And if that’s a problem for you? Shut up, nerd.
With that said, on to this week’s Potato Index.
Johnny Walker -213
What the fuck happened to you, man? You used to be fun. You used to be crazy. You didn’t win them all, but you won enough and either way we could count on you for a good time. Then you decided to become the worst kind of point fighter – the kind who doesn’t even win. If the best part of your performance is the lap dance for the cut man, well, that ain’t great.
Thiago Santos +3
Always better to win than to lose. Sometimes, though, it’s only a little bit better.
SBG Ireland -108
You know you guys are going to get blamed for ruining everything good about Johnny Walker, right? I mean, right? You know that? Course you do.
The “Unified” Rules -13
Lol at this fucking sport. There’s an accidental clash of heads that basically results in a flash KO on Kevin Holland. Referee Dan Miragliotta sees it and thinks about jumping in, but then inexplicably decides not to. The fight continues and moments later Kyle Daukaus wins via RNC. Which then results in a cageside tribunal that includes officials and at least two UFC employees for some reason. Not saying a no-contest was necessarily the wrong outcome, given how severe the clash of heads was, but anybody else get the sense that we’re still just making this shit up as we go in MMA? We got rules and replay, and yet it all comes down to Herb Dean whispering in Big Dan’s ear as the ESPN+ broadcast helpfully silences the audio just as we’re learning too much about how the sausage is made.
Kevin Holland +44
But you know what is rad? Holland showing up after the fight and saying that no matter what’s on his record, he considers it a loss due to the principles of both kung fu and streetfighting. Then he’s gonna go and stop a car thief on Monday morning because fuck it, why not? Hell yeah, brother.
Michael “Venom” Page +77
Maybe it was fitting that he shouted out “London!” after he won this split-decision in the Bellator main event, since I don’t know if that would have gone his way anywhere else. Kidding (kind of). It was a close fight. We could have done with two more rounds (this three-round main event bullshit in Bellator is really getting old). But now MVP has a solid win over a former Bellator champ that he can point to whenever they call him a showboating can-crusher from now on.
Douglas Lima -12
If I were him, I would never ever stop claiming that a) I deserved that decision, and b) definitely would have proved it with two more rounds to work. Might even add c) I was pacing myself because my good buddy Yoel told me it was a five-rounder.
Childcare -85
Niko Price and Alex Oliveira have 17 kids between the two of them, but no post-fight bonuses to be found after this fairly unremarkable decision win for Price. Guess the UFC, like Oliveira, also said ‘fuck them kids.’
Douglas Silva de Andrade +233
This dude landed a single left hook and turned that man into a damn flying squirrel. Haters will say it’s photoshopped.
Misha Cirkunov -61
What was that shit Chad was saying about how you don’t have much of a future at middleweight if you can’t beat Krzysztof Jotko? Yeahhh…
Antonina Shevchenko -52
So basically when the MMA gods were on the create-a-fighter screen upon the birth of the Shevchenko sisters they used up all their skill points making Valentina, which would be fine if they didn’t also somehow put it in Antonina’s head that she should become a pro fighter too. That was just cruel, man.
Casey O’Neill +60
Still undefeated. Still looking sharp. But I don’t know if it was such a good idea to brutalize Valentina’s sister like that with the champ standing there watching. You just know she’s keeping a list and is just waiting for you to climb high enough for revenge to become an option.
Bethe Correia -102
Our expectations were low, but damn. Miss weight for your retirement fight? Then show up and fight like you actually retired six weeks ago and just didn’t get around to telling people? That’s one way to make sure we don’t miss you once you’re gone.
Jamie Mullarkey +79
Don’t even care if his name sounds like some shit Joe Biden would come up with. He was getting touched up in the first and looked like he didn’t have the speed to hang with Devonte Smith. But maybe you don’t always need speed when you got that dog in you.
Aspen Ladd -139
Goddammit, she has simply got to find a way to show up for these fights without looking like she’s going to die on the scale. Maybe that means going up a weight class. Maybe it just means a major lifestyle change. But this shit is untenable. Pretty soon no one will even agree to fight you, since they never know if you’ll make it into the cage come Saturday.
Alejandro Perez +116
Maaaaaan, this guy goes out there and gets an armbar from a side control scarfhold position? That’s the kind of catch-as-catch-can shit you do when you’re trying to become one of Josh Barnett’s guys. Oh and it’s working.
Daniel Cormier +63
Not everyone loves it, but I am all for DC just straight up telling us when a main event sucks. Especially because he’s not wrong. Any time the color commentator has ample opportunity to sit there during your headlining bout and recall other fights he’s seen that were also awful? Yeah, that’s not a good sign. Keep on keeping it real.
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(Top image by Jeff Bottari/Zuffa LLC)
