Crystal Keys to Victory: UFC 267

The following is a guest post from friend of the podcast Jessica Knapik. Think you have something of your own to contribute that the CME audience would be interested in? Go ahead and email the podcast, dog.

So here you are, about to read a guide matching up fighters with the crystals (also known around the Co-Main Event as “stones of the earth”) that will help them the most in their battles to come. I should explain.

Those of you who follow me on Twitter (@JessicaKnapik) have no doubt seen Crystal Keys to Victory before. But the origin story is this: I used to work at a tattoo shop that was an hour away in the car, so podcasts became a good friend. I was listening to one of my favorites, MMA Fighting’s “The A Side,” and our old pal Jared Cannonier was coming off a big win over Jack Hermansson. José Youngs and Petesy Carroll were discussing how, after his fight, he excitedly held up a hefty chunk of Pyrite, something he saw as a powerful good luck charm.

They were, of course, poking a little fun at him. It’s not every day a killer holds up a healing crystal on national television. But I’m something of a crystal head myself, so I hit them up on Twitter to show them my car crystals.

Guess why I call them my car crystals. Go ahead. Just take a guess.

Obviously, I was kidding. Kind of. But I also believe in them. Kind of. Plus I wanted to have Cannonier’s back (like he needs my help). It quickly took on a life of its own, and nearly every episode of “The A Side” going forward had a mention of crystals … and the Crystal Crew … and Team Crystal.

By nature I’m one of those people who will take a joke to the furthest extent possible, so I came up with a super serious-looking weekly Twitter crystal fight breakdown called, you guessed it, Crystal Keys To Victory. It involved a surprising amount of research for something that was about 70 percent a joke to begin with. I’ve also had actual UFC fighters you know and love reach out to me to ask which crystals they should bring to the cage. Seriously.

By now you’re probably wondering, ‘is this person a total whackadoo?’ I assure you I’m not a whackadoo. Not entirely, anyway. I just feel there’s nothing wrong with adults having a little whimsy in their lives. We all remember finding a stick or a rock in our yard as a kid and for whatever reason thinking it was special. To me that’s all this is.

And I encourage you, as Crystal Keys To Victory continues to drop prior to UFC pay-per-view cards, if any of the particular crystal attributes sound like something you need help with, by all means, Google your local metaphysical store. You will likely meet some true whackadoos there. But go anyway and throw a crystal in your pocket. What’s the worst that could happen?

UFC 267

Jan Blachowicz
Polish Flint

This rare stone from Poland has a unique & magnificent energy. Known as a protective talisman, dispels negativity from haunted places, relieves shyness, brings physical strength during confrontations. All things you might want to have going for you as you defend your UFC title against a lovable underdog.

Cory Sandhagen

Often called a “Stone of Creativity,” keeps you from getting distracted, keeps your mind clear when making decisions, controls mood swings, helps you determine who around you is full of shit. In this way you might avoid making the same errors others have made when they freak out and blatantly break the rules in a title fight they were otherwise on their way to winning. Not naming names, just saying.

Khamzat Chimaev
Black Sapphire

Provides a calm strength in high stress or chaotic situations, boosts employment prospects & assists in retaining a job. Loved by cats & may be rubbed on their paws to keep them from running away. Just the thing for when you’re returning to work after long absence due to illness and you weren’t always sure you’d ever make it back.

Hey, if you made it this far and didn’t hate it, you should consider signing up for the Co-Main Event Patreon. There you can comment on these posts, argue with other people about them, even call us names or whatever. You also help support the CME and keep the discourse free and unfuckingfettered.

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