UFC 267 is almost upon us, and we’d be lost if we didn’t have a detailed examination of all the nickname options coming to us from Abu Dhabi this Saturday morning. Here they are from worst to best.
NR: Jan Blachowicz
Glover Teixeira
Islam Makhachev
Magomed Ankalaev
Amanda Ribas
Roman Kopylov
Andre Petroski
Tagir Ulanbekov
That there are this many fighters without nicknames really highlights two things: 1) There are a ton of fights on this fucking card, and 2) If you’re lovable enough we might not even notice you don’t have a nickname until we go check. Your boy Janny Blackjacks? The big homie Glover Teixeira? Even Amanda Ribas with her infectious enthusiasm. They kind of don’t even need an official nickname. Islam Makhachev, though, might want to consider one. Otherwise we will just call your ass New Khabib. Don’t think we won’t.
But also, before we go any further, there are several fighters on this card who have a nickname on sites like Tapology or Sherdog, but not on the UFC website. This suggests that the UFC doesn’t actually know all these people that well. In fairness, there’s a ton of them.
20. Hu Yaozong: Bad Boy
Okay, bro.
19. Zubaira Tukhogov: Warrior
Calling yourself “warrior” in the world of pro fighting just seems a little too on the nose. It’s also just unremarkable. Look around, my dude. It’s all warriors here. This is one step up from just nicknaming yourself “fighter.”
18. Benoit Saint-Denis: God of War
I was just about to be all like, ‘you’re telling me the god of war is a French welterweight on the damn prelims?’ And then I saw he’s undefeated. So, hey, maybe?
17. Shamil Gamzatov: Umar
This either refers to the Muslim caliph and father-in-law of the prophet Muhammad or a Marvel comics character described as an “energy being” trapped in human form. I think you know which one we’re rooting for.
16. Marcin Tybura: Tybur
It’s off-putting when your nickname looks like someone just stopped when they were almost done typing your last name.
15. Michal Oleksiejczuk: Lord
This one is really only fun if you imagine being said as part of a frustrated sigh.
14. Elizeu Dos Santos: Capoeira
Still think he’d be much better off, career-wise, leaning into our suggestion that he rebrand himself as “E.Z. Dos Santos.” Choosing instead to go with a nickname that’s nothing more than the name of one of the least useful “martial” arts, well, at least he doesn’t have to worry that a ton of other fighters will do the same.
13. Ricardo Ramos: Carachinha
According to everybody’s favorite Brazilian friend and media goddess Fernanda Prates, this is basically the diminutive form of “carcass.” As in, when he started out he was so skinny his coaches called him the carcass. Only there already was a dude nicknamed carcass, so they altered it to make Ramos essentially “Lil Carcass.” Also? He apparently didn’t like the nickname, which is when it really stuck. Classic nickname story, honestly.
12. Lerone Murphy: The Miracle
In a way, aren’t we all miracles? The miracle of life. The miracle of birth. Why is there something rather than nothing? It’s a goddamn miracle, is what it is.
11. Cory Sandhagen: The Sandman
I get it. It was right there. You’re mainly a submissions guy and you already have “sand” in your name. It just feels a little too Rocky movie for my tastes, but it ain’t terrible.
10. Dan Hooker: The Hangman
Objectively cool. And when your last name is Hooker, you either go for a regrettable pun or you do anything you can to draw attention away from it.
9. Makwan Amirkhani: Mr. Finland
Listen, you put this on your dating profile and you’re gonna be swimming in it, know what I’m saying?
8. Albert Duraev: Machete
Much better if you pronounce it like you’re Danny Trejo.
7. Virna Jandiroba: Carcara
Also from Fernanda, it’s a bird. As Jandiroba once explained: “The carcará is very known for being an opportunistic, incisive bird. I go in with that spirit. I wanted to pick something that represented the spirit of the sertão of the Northeast, where I come from, and this idea came up.” Listen, you adopt the name of an opportunistic bird and I am immediately on your side.
6. Alexander Volkov: Drago
Tall blonde Russian? Yep, it checks out. Now I know why it’s so satisfying for Brazilian people when a fighter’s nickname is just a direct reference to some TV show character only they know about.
5. Petr Yan: No Mercy
The existence of No Mercy implies the existence of Some Mercy and All Mercy. Frankly I’d rather fight either of those other dudes. Bet they wouldn’t knee you in the skull when you’re down.
4. Allan Nascimento: Puro Osso
Google tells me that this translates to “pure bone,” which is fucking rad to think about. No muscle. No ligaments. Not even any internal organs or skin. The man is just bone all over. Even though it may come with some built-in deficiencies, I promise you don’t want to tangle with that man. Or even really be touched by him.
3. Li Jingliang: The Leech
Others have tried, but there’s only one. It fits his fighting style. It’s fun to say. There’s an alliterative element. He IS the leech. You can’t fuck with that.
2. Khamzat Chimaev: Borz
Imagine you show up to fight someone and people are like, ‘well he’s undefeated.’ Okay, that’s a little worrying, but maybe he’s just a can-crusher. Then they tell you he’s from Chechnya. Now that’s concerning. Then they tell you his nickname is Borz. The fuck is a Borz? ‘It’s the Chechen gray wolf, the national animal.’ Well that ain’t a great sign. ‘It’s also the name given to improvised machine guns used by Chechen guerillas.’ Nope, fuck this, I’m going home.
1. Volkan Oezdemir: No Time
When your nickname comes with its own signature hand gesture – let this man knock someone out and just SEE if he doesn’t point to the place on his bare wrist where a watch might normally be worn – you know you’re doing something right. His relevance in the UFC might have faded in recent years, but the nickname still kicks serious ass.
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