Good news, you guys. We finally got our offshore casino up and running. And after a lot of bribes and kickbacks and at least one failed coup, we are ready to begin offering bets on sporting events.
Thing is, we didn’t fully realize when we started just how many online sportsbooks there already are. And you know what else? They all mostly offer the same odds, same bets, same old shit. How’s a newcomer to the field supposed to stand out, we wondered.
Then it hit us: By coming up with prop bets that you can’t find anywhere else. And what better event to roll this out for than the newly signed boxing rematch between Jake Paul and Tyron Woodley? Fucking genius move by us, really. I’m so confident we’ll get rich off this that I’m writing this entire thing while wearing a tuxedo (T-shirt).
So without further delay, here’s what we’re offering from CME Gaming Services Inc. for next Saturday’s shitshow boxing match:
Will Tyron Woodley walk out to one of his own songs?
Yes -105
No +105
Will Jake Paul walk out to his own voice dubbed over one of Woodley’s songs?
Yes +200
No -240
Over/under 3 condom/ball cleaner/pube trimmer sponsors on Woodley’s trunks?
Over +140
Under -180
Will Jake Paul’s giant robot become sentient?
Yes -350
No +400
If the robot becomes sentient and realizes what it’s been a part of all this time, will it be moved to sadness or rage?
Sadness -105
Rage -105
Will Woodley finally let his hands go?
Yes +700
No -850
Will Woodley come close to letting his hands go, only to let Paul off the hook, lose a decision, and demand a third fight?
Yes -165
No +200
Will Woodley’s beard be fucking immaculate?
Yes -1000
No +700
Will the evening end with the Paul brothers being arrested by Interpol for a string of daring jewel heists for which their “boxing” “matches” served as the perfect distraction?
Yes +300
No -475
Will Woodley try to collect the $500,000 knockout bonus only to find that the contract stipulates it is to be paid in sunken treasure that’s currently sitting somewhere on the bottom of the Pacific?
Yes +210
No -275
Is the sunken treasure protected by the curse of a pirate king?
Yes -450
No +510
In his quest to find the treasure and lift the curse, will Woodley find love and/or enlightenment, and will he realize that this was the real treasure all along?
Yes +600
No -900
Will the fight start Round 2?
Yes -400
No +350
If the fight does not start Round 2, will it be because a giant fucking snake swallowed everyone at the event in order to punish mankind for its wickedness?
Yes +200
No -150
Will the giant fucking snake go on to become the most successful social media influencer of all time?
Yes -250
No +200
Will Jake Paul ever fight a real boxer?
Yes +275
No -300
Hey, if you made it this far and didn’t hate it, you should consider signing up for the Co-Main Event Patreon. There you can comment on these posts, argue with other people about them, even call us names or whatever. You also help support the CME and keep the discourse free and unfuckingfettered.
