Okay, so, we weren’t sure whether or not we should mention this, but recently we unearthed these ancient scrolls in one of the many caves hidden high on the barren rock face of Mount Xyience. At first we didn’t think much of it. Just your typical dusty parchment foretelling a coming age of doom and darkness. You know, basic cursed scroll kind of shit.
But you guys? Lately some of the stuff in there has been coming true. First the “fallen emperor who shall regain his throne.” (Fedor, obvi.) Also the “sudden, unstoppable bloat” within the middleweight division. (Looking at you, Paulo Costa.) But we were totally mystified by the mention of a “platinum crown to be forged from uncovered hands.” Then we got a press release from Bare Knuckle FC on Tuesday afternoon.
“BKFC Signs Former UFC Star ‘Platinum’ Mike Perry!” the email proclaimed. That’s when everything clicked. And lo we did look to the sky with ashen faces. And lo did we cry out vainly for mercy from brutally indifferent gods.
I guess another way of putting it is, we have concerns. On one hand, sure, now that we see it in print this move seems inevitable. The whole damn career arc, from UFC flavor of the month to noted problem child to accused criminal with entire sections of his Wikipedia page that feature headings such as ‘domestic violence allegations’ and ‘restaurant fights in Texas.’ Of course it all flows like this, one thing to another, until the river empties into the sea.
Mike Perry was born to be a goddamn bare-knuckle boxer. If that sport didn’t already exist they’d have to re-invent it for him.
But just looking at this list of evil portents that lead up to a doomsday scenario, Perry to BKFC is right down there near the bottom. It’s basically just this, Randy Couture coming out of retirement, and ever meeting anyone in person who admits to regularly watching ONE Championship events.
So you can see why, with this Perry thing, we’re starting to get worried. And then there’s this Conan the Barbarian-ass shit he’s quoted as saying in the press release:
“Let’s skip all the formalities! This sport is evolving and I am here to strike fear into the hearts of my competitors! I plan to intimidate the world when I show what a truly skilled combat specialist is capable of with his bare hands. I will dismantle the opposition and reach the glory I have longed for my entire life. I will be crowned King of the streets and King of combat sports! They will make me a Platinum Crown and carry me on the bloody backs of my defeated rivals! I am here to go straight to the top and make anyone think twice about entering my world! BKFC is my world! #BloodSportDreamsandNitemares”
I mean, talk about a statement that leaves you with more questions than answers. Questions such as:
– You plan to intimidate … the world?
– And when they carry you on the bloody backs of your defeated rivals, is it like piggyback style? Or like they’re laid out long-wise and lashed together in some sort of human raft?
– Wait did they actually tell you that they’re going to make you a platinum crown? Like, is it in your contract? And when you asked for it, did the vibe in the room get weird as people sort of nodded their heads and mumbled without making eye contact?
– The part at the end with the hashtag, did you actually say “hashtag” out loud?
We’re not saying that Perry should be stopped by any means necessary from achieving these goals. We’re just saying that if this comes to pass then we have it on good authority that the oceans will boil and the sky will rain blood and darkness will consume the earth and Brendan Schaub will put out another comedy special.
End fucking times, in other words. Though, hey, maybe by then we’ll be glad to get it over with.
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