OK, Co-Mainiacs, brass tacks: Who or what do we have to sacrifice to the MMA gods this week to make sure the goddamn Bombardier stays healthy and makes it to the cage for his fight on Saturday against Mariusz Pudzianowski at KSW 64?
Because after the disappointment of last time, I am willing to do anything to make sure this Absolute Hoss Fight happens.
AN-Y-THING.
(*looks steadily into your eyes until you fully understand my meaning*)
The good folks at Konfrontacja Sztuk Walki (which Google tells me loosely translates to English as “Martial Arts Confrontation”) aka KSW aka everybody’s favorite bat-shit crazy European fight company, have done it again, brother.
After plans for Pudzianowski to fight Senegalese wrestling legend Serigne Ousmane Dia (aka THE BOMBARDIER) back in March were scrapped when Dia got the appendicitis at the last possible minute, KSW has once again harnessed its Legendary Polish Promotional Power and re-booked that shit for THIS SATURDAY.
Fuckin’ awesome, right? Right.
Of course, they’ve produced a typically epic video trailer to get us all hyped for the bout and MOTHERFUCKERS IT IS WORKING. Since KSW doesn’t really ever half-ass anything, this video is six minutes and 21 seconds of pretty much amazing bullshit from start to finish.
You know who else doesn’t half-ass their bullshit? CO-MAIN EVENT ENTERPRISES, ASSHOLE. For that reason, we’re all going to watch this video together while I produce a stream-of-consciousness blow-by-blow account of my emotions. The agony. The ecstasy. All that jazz.
Can you tell I’m excited? If you love yourself even a little bit, you will take this journey with me. Just scroll down and press play. Do it. DO IT. LET’S GO!
OK, we’re rolling …
0:00-0:13: There’s KSW promoter Maciej Kawulski and OH SHIT his watch matches his shirt! Kawulski is just here to provide some basic prematch hype, except—BOMBSHELL!—he lets slip that Pudzi doesn’t like to face fighters bigger than him! And The Bombardier is VERY BIG! It’s kind of his whole thing! Exactly how big? Not sure, as Sherdog lists him at 6-foot-3, 309-pounds, while Tapology goes with 6-foot-6 and weight N/A. That’s some Hulk Hogan-level disagreement on height and, obviously, the only way you’d ever say somebody’s weight was N/A is if they were too big and scary for you to even ask, which The Bombardier absolutely is.
He’s also 45 years old … and just 2-0 in MMA … with one fight in 2018 and one in 2020 and now has a fresh scar across his belly from the aforementioned appendicitis but, hey man, we’re focusing on the positives here.
0:18-1:00: Flashback to March, where we get to see this pair’s prefight staredown and, Jesus H. Christmas, The Bombardier really is massive. Then a rundown of Dia pulling out pretty much on the day of the event. We catch up to Pudzi to get his reaction—and he’s bummed—but during the interview he’s also getting his hands wrapped to go out there and drown his sorrows in a 70-second TKO win over Nikola Milanović at KSW 59. So, things seemed to turn out pretty OK for him.
Cut back to Kawulski and he drops this quote on us: “In the world of effects, you don’t explain your failures. Instead, you work really hard to achieve those effects. Pudzianowski vs. Bombardier, we apologize once again and invite you to watch this bout.” Yeah, I don’t know what that means, exactly, but I’M IN, Maciej.
1:01-2:15: Some drone shots of Senegal! Shots of Bombardier running on the beach! Oh man, he’s so determined! Travel montage! And then Dia meets with some guys in suits—Who are they? What’s happening here? We don’t know!—while he tells us that he’s not just here in KSW for a one-off crash grab. He’s here to take over. And Pudzianowski is just the beginning. Ali Abdelaziz would be so relieved.
Dia says he felt “gready” during the weigh-ins with Pudzi and was pumped to fight before the appendicitis got him. Gready? Do they mean “greedy” (?) because that still doesn’t totally make sense in this context. But the appendicitis was “pain (like) I’ve never felt before.” Hmmm, I wonder how that sort of pain compares to, say, the pain of a right hand thrown by the World’s Strongest Man™? Anyways, Bombardier looks really cool leaning up against that tree so I’mma let it slide for now.
2:17-2:55: Pudzi: “He got appendicitis few hours before the fight, higher power. Nobody is here to blame.” Well, that’s very reasonable of you, Pudzi. Also, is “higher power” something you say at the end of every sentence like a TV preacher might casually toss in an “amen,” because, if so, I’m definitely going to steal that, higher power.
Dia, essentially: “It’s nobody’s fault but my own that I got appendicitis.” I mean, don’t be too hard on yourself big guy. Shit could happen to anyone, higher power.
Pudzi: “With my experience, I’m not afraid of him. He’s two meters, 150 kilograms, I want to tire him out. As I usually say, I will have to beat the pork chop.” WHAT THE FUCK? Holy shit, this is awesome.
3:00-3:40: There’s KSW promoter Martin Lewandowski and he is dressed like he’s either the head chef at the best restaurant in town or the owner of that one cool record store where you can order the 1950s Philadephia-scene jazz LPs you can’t get anywhere else. Why are these polish MMA promoters so fucking cool??? Don’t they know powerful fight promoters are supposed to wear black T-shirts, designer jeans that your stylist picked out and throwback Adidas sneakers and THAT’S IT?
Lewandowski drops an Ariel Helwani reference (MMA media STAND UP!) and says the whole world will be watching this fight. I mean … if we can get The Bombardier to the cage without a sudden, emergent medical event.
3:46-3:52: Both guys say they’re going to win and then Pudzi hits us with this gem: “We’ll see how he does, fortune favors the brave. We’ll confront his Senegalese wrestling with my MMA.” THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
3:52-4:59: A montage of Pudzi knockouts! A shot of the Bombardier dancing! I think I’m having an emergent medical event!
Pudzi: “It’s not personal. We are human beings. Anything can happen. If he’s healthy, we enter the cage and do our jobs.”
God, Pudzianowski is so wise.
Dia: “I know how he fights. We will both go forward. It’s going to be really intense and it’s not going to distance.”
It’s not going to distance! I love this. I love this so much.
Cut back to Pudzianowski, casually sitting in his gym getting interviewed in an athletic gray T-shirt like it’s just an ordinary day …
Interviewer: “What if Bombardier comes to you to Poland, shakes your hand …”
Wait, what’s happening right now? Where is this car pulling up? Holy shit, it’s The Bombardier. Is he? IS HE …
Interviewer: “…and asked you to take this fight again. How would you react?”
HE’S THERE. THE BOMBARDIER IS IN POLAND! HE’S WALKING INTO PUDZI’S GYM RIGHT NOW!
Pudzi: “This is sport. It’s not a fight for survival. It’s not a matter of life and death …”
PUDZI! TURN AROUND! HE’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!
OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
5:01-5:30: PUDZI AND THE BOMBARDIER MEET! THEY DO THE DILLON-AND-DUTCH HANDSHAKE FROM PREDATOR! THEY DO BRO HUGS! THEY’RE … THEY’RE … they’re actually having a very respectful and professional conversation. Men of honor. Let’s have a great fight on Oct. 23. Yadda yadda yadda.
Except the whole time Dia’s interpreter is translating what he’s said, Pudzi is standing there with the look you get when a panhandler stops you on the street and says, hey man, I promise I’m not going to ask you for money, but could you spare a few moments to listen to my tale of woe? Sort of like, how long do I have to stand here before I nod and give this guy a few bucks and then I walk away?
Pudzi to the Bombardier: “I understand the situation. These things happen in MMA.”
HE FUCKIN SAID IT. HE SAID THE THING. HE ACTUALLY SAID THE THING WE ALWAYS SAY. WE SAY IT AS A JOKE BUT HE SAID IT AND IT SEEMED LIKE HE WAS SEROUS. I CAN’T BELIEVE HE SAID IT. We’ve reached the mountain top. We’ve crossed some invisible Rubicon and things will never be the same again. The universe collapsing on itself. Alternate timelines. Secret histories. The alpha and the omega and—shit, how is there still almost a minute left in this video?
5:30-6:21: Ah, it’s all wrap-up. Let’s have a fantastic fight. Let’s leave the world in shock. Some grab-ass in the cage. We’re just messing around pretending to wrestle except also maybe we’re not? Because we’re about to fight each other?
And fade to black.
Fuck, I’m spent. We’ve done it, Mainiacs. We’ve touched the void. We’ve looked into the eye of the storm and emerged better people, higher power.
I’m going to go take a shower.
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