MMA manager says his fighter will defeat boxing champ, win Tour de France on foot, blast off into space

A prominent MMA manager says he believes his fighter is the pound-for-pound best in the world, and expects him to prove it this fall with an easy win over a top boxing champion, despite having never competed in that sport.

“These boxers, I call them cowards,” the manager said, referring to the multi-millionaire champions in the centuries-old sport in which many people have died over the years. “My guy will knock him out, no problem, then head to France without a bicycle to win that little race they have there, before ultimately launching directly into space in order to personally colonize Mars. Should be done by end of next summer, maybe slightly later.”

Naturally, this news immediately made headlines across the MMA world, with websites repeating the claim that included no specifics about how the boxing match would even get made, considering the many difficult contractual hurdles that stand in the way. And that, of course, is to say nothing about the prediction of an easy knockout win for the fighter who has never competed professionally in the sport that his supposed future victim has dominated for years.

“What can I say, I believe in him,” said the manager who has been accused of multiple crimes in and out of the sport. “I just can’t see how he doesn’t quickly demolish this boxer and then win the Newbery Medal for a children’s book about a lonely hedgehog that he will write and illustrate entirely in the one-minute break between rounds. Some people might think that’s crazy, but hey, at the end of the day I believe in him as both a fighter and as the literary voice of a generation.”

When pressed as to why they were even talking about this, instead of a more reasonable though still incredibly challenging goal such as winning a second title in another division within the sport the fighter actually competes in, the manager stuck his fingers in his ears and began humming a slow, haunting tune.

“You like that?” he said. “That’s from my guy’s new mixtape. I played it for some friends of mine at the London Philharmonic and they just started weeping, bro. One of them quit the clarinet forever, said he could never create something that beautiful so what was the point? Totally shattered his life, bro. Now he lives in the subway.”

As the reporter stared dumbfounded, the manager began ticking off other accomplishments he genuinely expects his fighter to achieve, noting that he was definitely not just saying stuff in order to pull the predictable levers of easy publicity.

“He’s built his own supercollider, that should drop some time in May,” the manager said. “Also we thought we’d swing down the coast and win a few of those sandcastle-building contests over the summer. Might finish up with a PGA Tour victory or two, then maybe some light time travel.”

Before the reporter could ask for further details about how the boxing contracts would actually work, seriously, and who would have to get paid what for even allowing it, the manager reportedly wandered off mid-sentence in order to engage in a fistfight with an arena custodian.

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