Greetings,
I’m writing to you today with some concerns about your upcoming reservations at several of our hotels. According to our records, your organization has a group stay planned in Columbus, OH, the week of March 22-26, and then in Jacksonville, FL, the week of April 4-9. However, we recently received footage from a partner hotel in London that appears to show several members of your group engaged in a violent physical altercation surrounding the breakfast area.
Furthermore, our research indicates that this is not an entirely uncommon occurrence at hotels frequented by your company. A quick Google search reveals that there have been multiple incidents of physical fights, shouting matches, elevator slaps, the throwing of various drinking receptacles, and at least one room completely destroyed by a representative of your organization known as “Ragin Al.” Obviously, this concerns us.
This most recent incident, or so we have been told, originated with comments that one member of your party allegedly made about the Russo-Georgian War of 2008. This apparently led to a confrontation with another member of your party who claims to have had relatives killed in said conflict, and the ensuing argument became physical. While zero damage seems to have been done to either party – not even the gentleman who closely resembles Peter Tork from ‘60s pop sensation The Monkees – but the same cannot be said for the hotel’s breakfast setup.
Naturally, we are as concerned about the frequency of these incidents as we are about the cavalier way they are shrugged off by your company and others in your industry. This is apparently “just part of fight week,” according to the prevailing sentiments we encountered online, with a good many responses lamenting the relative lack of damage and destruction, human or otherwise.
It is for this reason we feel that we must revisit the issue of security deposits for your upcoming stays. In addition to monetary risks, we must also address concerns from our own employees who have access to the same internet footage we do and are understandably especially concerned about the potential for conflict during this period of heightened international tensions. The risks of arguments over various wars, both past and present, as well as long-simmering personal animosities spilling over into destructive violence in our lobby or breakfast nook seems especially high with fighters like Mr. Aljamain Sterling and Mr. Petr Yan booked for your upcoming stay at our Jacksonville location.
While we await your reply, we will be securing all hand trucks, glass bottles, chairs, and even removing some of the pointier fruit options. We will also be stationing armed guards at all elevators, at your expense, and instructing them to deploy non-lethal crowd control measures upon hearing phrases such as “what did you say, bro?!” and “talk that shit about the Russo-Georgian War now, motherfucker!”
Thank you for your time and attention to this matter.
Sincerely,
Ebenezer Notafakename
Marriott Hotels General Manager
Hey, if you made it this far and didn’t hate it, you should consider signing up for the Co-Main Event Patreon. There you can comment on these posts, argue with other people about them, even call us names or whatever. You also help support the CME and keep the discourse free and unfuckingfettered.
